Dear.... Kate,

 

I am my own worst enemy. It has been over a year since I have seen you but you are still the primary thought in my mind and in my dreams. Not a day has passed that I have not thought of you. And not a day has passed where you have not been my dominant thought, always on the forefront of my mind.

 

It is not unlike me to obsess, indeed, it is in my nature to become obsessive and addicted. But to this degree even I am not familiar with. It has become clear that over the past year that you made the right decision to leave me. I have slipped further and further into a deep, dark and morbid pit of despair and self loathing. And although you accelerated the trip into my own personal hell it is obvious I would have ended up here anyway. And I love you too much to allow you to be dragged down with me.

 

I don't know how it got this bad. I don't know how I got this bad. I don't know how I let it get to this degree of pain and suffering. I wish I knew the answers to these questions - or better yet the solutions to them. All my problems stem (I feel) from my lack of self esteem; I have none. I look at myself and see nothing of value. I look myself in the eye and see nothing worthy of noting, no good attributes or qualities. All I had was you. You and you alone was the one thing I felt was an achievement.

 

Having you made me see some good things. My ability to make you laugh, my ways of making you feel like a woman. But they were clearly nothing considering how you left and whom you left me for. I do not doubt that I have these qualities - I simply outright dismiss the notion. I thought I was the best at something - pleasing you - but like everything I try in life I completely failed. My life is full of failure: friendships, relationships, sports, music, highschool, family... but it is not one off failures but the constant dismissal of my attempts. Things I thought I was good, nay - GREAT at only to have others wander in and effortlessly beat me.

 

My ego - or lack thereof - cannot handle it. I cannot handle that another can love you and make love to you greater than I. I cannot handle the constant betrayal of friends and family alike. I cannot deal with practicing for hours and hours on end and achieve such little skill. I cannot hold on to my sanity watching incompetant and moronic people leading and gathering stronger people than I. I cannot take it, my Kate, and it is in my weakest moments I have a put a blade to my wrists wishing I had a stronger will than what I do and just to end it all. To allow the crimson river flow freely as my soul vanishes from exsistance as the eternal night decends upon me.

 

I am a twenty-four year old man who has accomplished nothing of value, has no one to call his own, no real job, no life, no friends, no dreams, no ambition, lives at home and hasn't even seen outside of this country. Nothing makes me a note worthy person. Did you know I moved out of home just to impress you, my Kate? To show you I was growing moving, changing. That I was going somewhere. I did not want to move out but I wanted to impress you. I studied music so hard to impress you. To show you I had passion, a career, a future. Did I ever tell you that you are the reason I was put on this earth? Kate? Did I tell you? I am dying - dying of torment and grief. I was put on this earth for you. To love you, to make love to you, to be the father of your children, to take you to Paris, to grow with you. To watch you blossom and grow into the person you are to become... did I ever tell you? God, my sweet Kate how I miss you. HOw I envy the man who holds you. Who looks at you. The man has his feelings returned to him. The man who is worthy of your devotion, of your love, of your soul, mind and your body. What great sin have I commited to be robbed of you and placed in this perpetual torment?

 

My passion is you - and I cannot have you. I cannot be passionate about you. I love you too much to allow myself to re-enter your life.

 

And so here I am. Stuck in pergatory. No aims, no goals, no skills or ambition. I know not what to do without you Kate. I am... nothing.

 

I often wonder how different the past year would have been with you still in my life. I sit sometimes in dread of dragging you down with me, knowing that this pathetic life was going to rob you of your young womanhood. Or if in fact, would have I stayed in the music business and be playing in Tokyo, Japan... playing songs devoting my love to you. We will never know I suppose - but that does not stop me obsessing. Attempting to escape reality in video games. But not even fantasy can save me from my thoughts of you or my complete lack of self confidence. Even in my tiny online world reality of my inability to do anyting well or right seeps in. Reality clawing its way back into my mind. It's jagged fingers tearing at the weak stitching I have used in a vain attempt to rescue what is left of my sanity.

 

I plan on going to Europe next year. I dream - everyday - at arriving at your doorstep with a second ticket in hand asking you to join me. To leave everything behind and together, journey into a continent of deep history and culture. What a fool I am! To think such t houghts. To think - even for a second - you'd leave your wondeful life for a wretch like me. You must be by now, living with your lover while I spend countless days and nights in my room in front of that box attempting to evade the painful questions that have finally broken through the walls I have put up.

 

I now wonder too, if my year trip through Western Europe isn't another pathetic dream. An almost literal attempt at running away from my problems. My family believes that once I have left Australia I will not return. Do they doubt my love of them so much? Do they believe, in earnest, that I would abandon them? I fear  there is nothing in this country but my family and you, my dear Kate. But you do not want me and my family doubts me - so maybe it would be best for me to disappear. Wouldn't that be the best for everyone? I border on nonexsistance already. If it weren't for my family - I would cease to be entirely.

 

I have so many conflicting emotions. I feel that I was meant to do something great. I feel it in my gut. That I was truely meant for you and that I was put on this planet to leave some sort of mark for generations to remember. But the huge amount of doubt I place on myself is extreme. I have such an ego but nothing to feed it and so consistantly starve it - and it is this perpetual torment that drags me down to the nether regions.

 

Is it my sheer laziness that is slowly spiritually killing me? I got fatter - but do nothing to stop it. I get uglier but do nothing to stop it. I get lonelier but do nothing to stop it. I get dumber but do nothing to stop it.

 

I have no self discipline and therefore no self confidence. You did the right thing in leaving me my dear Kate. I see that now. How can everyone who loves you and everyone who hates me be wrong? I am the one at fault - another failure to add to the count.

 

I have said enough for now. My emotions - or lack thereof have been placated for the time being. They will soon arise and cause just as much anguish as they already have.

 

The solutions to at least a few of my problems are obvious.

 

Rejoin the gym and go 3 times a week. Eat more fruit and vegetables. Go for walks. Start planning out my backpacking trip. Find a new career to come back to. Go out at least once a week. Have a crack at that cute chick at work and those cute teachers at the schools I teach at. Rejoin a new clan and pursue my leisurely activitely like a leisurely activity. Read more. Get the ace of hearts tattooted on my shoulder. Clean the god damn house. Become passionate again.

 

Such simple ideas my gorgous Kate, but again my self esteem comes to the fore. You are still the model for all I desire in a woman and you always will be, and I think you will always be my raison d'etre.

 

 

Regards,

 

Chad